Monday, April 12, 2010

Entry 2

Genre: YA

Waking up with wads of gauze wrapped around your head and your mother
crying in the corner is pretty much a crappy way to start the
day—especially when you can’t remember why you’re sporting such
unattractive headwear. As seventeen-year-old Faith Daniels gradually
pieces together the events that landed her on the neurosurgeon’s
table, she becomes haunted by her past. Literally. And there’s nothing
worse than being stalked by a bunch of your dead classmates. Except
perhaps becoming one.

When Faith eventually recalls the horrific details of the catastrophe
at school that lead to these unexpected and ghostly class reunions,
she must make a heart-wrenching decision: hide the truth or betray her

My young adult novel, PRETTY GIRLS MAKE GRAVES, is complete at 55,000 words.


  1. I can't add anything to this great query. It's great, just the way it is. I would love to know what happend to her.

  2. This certainly grabbed my attention. I really like it, although I wonder if she might have been in pain when she woke up, too. Maybe that comes later.

    The only thing I wasn't crazy about was the last sentence of the first paragraph. Something about it was off to me.

    Nice work.

  3. I like it..
    Curious to see, how it develops..

  4. Pretty Girls Make Graves is a song by one of my favorite bands: The Smiths.

    Curios to find out what happens with Faith. Keep us posted

  5. This sounds like a great premise, but I suggest tightening and ensuring all of your words hit the exact note you're looking for. For example, your opening has an opportunity to paint a poignant image of your protag. You lost me in trying to picture wads of guaze though, and I wish I'd been able to visualize the mother waiting beside the bed instead of wondering why she was in the corner. I think you're very close though--just tweak the language to make your querey even stronger.

  6. Sounds like a very intriguing story, I'd like to read more about Faith and her classmates!

  7. Wow, that sounds interesting! I'm pretty sure that if I'd read that story line on a book cover I'd be really tempted to buy it! Hope there'll be more!

  8. This sounds like a really interesting premise--similar in some ways to the TV show Veronica Mars, if you've ever watched it. My big suggestion is that I'm not sure you make it clear what Faith is actually doing over the course of the novel. How does she uncover her past? We don't need a lot of detail, but we need enough to have a sense of how the story moves forward.

  9. I agree with Regan. A few more plot details would flesh this out a bit. Otherwise, great job! Good luck!

  10. I really like this query. Best of luck.

  11. I'm not a fan of the second person POV in the first paragraph. It's just one step away from a rhetorical question, for me at least. I'm not an agent, so I might be wrong.

    I feel like there is a strong plot here, and we're not getting enough of it. Seems like there's some humor in the narrative, if the voice here is any indication, but it's not clear if this is a humorous work, or a serious work with a humorous query.

    It's close, but I'd like to know just a little more. Also, I'd suggest identifying the genre. Seems like paranormal to me.

    Great starting point.

  12. Very interesting plot and love the way you play with words, making it all sound so mysterious. I'd suggest putting the title and word count at the top and maybe mentioning one tiny twist in a single sentence to give the reader more. Other than that, fabulous query!

  13. Jamie Weiss ChiltonApril 26, 2010 at 8:58 PM

    High stakes drama here! Nothing "quiet" about this story. Nicely summarized, but it does leave me asking questions....

    I want to know more about how Faith betrays her family. Without knowing more about that decision, I don't get enough information about the plot to know whether I connect with it or not.

    I know some people feel that you shouldn't give away too much in the pitch, but I'd rather know more than less. I want to have a firm grasp of the entire story arc after reading a query; you can maintain a sense of mystery while letting me know that the story has a beginning, middle, and end (with a satisfying conclusion).


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