Monday, April 12, 2010

Entry 9

Genre: YA Paranormal

Life really blows for sixteen-year-old Janelle. Ever since moving to Florida, she’s been ripping doors off their hinges and hearing a roar in her head whenever she’s near the water. And her new friend, Gary, tells her she’s a Tempest, someone who can turn into a hurricane by touching the ocean. So much for going to the beach.

As if that’s not lousy enough, all Tempests have to become storms once in their lives to keep the world’s weather in balance. It’s their secret law, and it’s Janelle’s turn to twist and rage over the Atlantic. To her horror, she learns her dad’s going to make her go through with it.

No way in hell is she going to kill people, even by accident. So she does what any sane person would do—she runs away.

But it’s not long before the human-hating Tempest leader kidnaps her. Janelle’s told that she’s the strongest Tempest alive and will be forced to destroy a major city. Now stuck in a plot to hold the world ransom, she must use the power she fears most to escape.

TEMPEST is a 64,000-word young adult paranormal. I look forward to hearing from you and thank you for your time and consideration.


  1. What a great story idea. This would also make a great movie, especially for teens.

    Good luck!

  2. I like the voice in this query, and the premise is interesting. I'd like to know how it all unravels.

  3. I think you've got a very marketable idea here. I especially love the word play of your opening line. The voice is strong and the conflict huge.

    The only thing I might change would be the placement of your word count and genre. I think some agents prefer that info right off the top.

    Great job!

  4. Great concept, great query. My only advice would be to make the gravity of Janelle's situation clearer earlier on. Being forced to become a storm isn't the same as being forced to become a hurricane, for example.

    Also, maybe I'm just not up on the definitions, but this seems more like a fantasy novel than a paranormal novel to me.

  5. Fascinating story line - very unique and not the typical YA paranormal. Seems to catch a completely different possibility.

    I like the character's voice - the query seems to captivate the MC's attitude.

    Id be interested in reading and see what happens to Janelle.

  6. Very unqique story line. I definitely would love to follow the character of Janelle and see what happens to her. I'm captivated by the concept of
    control over weather being her power. I'm in.

  7. A unique idea, something that hasn't been done - I love that. Your language is short and to the point. Your query is brief yet informative, giving a clear idea what the plot's all about. And the conflict is both internal and external (Janelle not wanting to cause harm, but the leader may force her to go through with it) - got to love that.
    I'd like to suggest bringing the info about word count and genre to the top, and change the genre from paranormal to fantasy; other than that, a tight and professional query.

  8. Jamie Weiss ChiltonApril 26, 2010 at 9:46 PM

    It's a paranormal apocalypse, for one city, at least. High-stakes drama!

    This is a concise query, perhaps more so than it needs to be. I'm confused about how the paranormal element of being a tempest integrates with the world we know. I'd like to get some more clues/details about how this works.

    How does Gary know Janelle's a tempest? What is their relationship? Also, is Janelle's mom a Tempest, too? Why does the Tempest leader hate humans -- maybe leave out this detail.

    Though the plot is clearly high stakes for the city about to be destroyed, I don't see it as high stakes for Janelle herself. I need to know more about what is at stake for her.


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