Monday, April 12, 2010

Entry 22

Genre: YA Fantasy

Fifteen-year-old Ben Grange is the third son of a powerful duke. He spends his days carousing and avoiding responsibility, but dreams of something greater. When an attempt is made on his life, a strange and powerful magic awakens within him, reflecting the dark omens plaguing the Kingdom of Galidan. Perhaps he can become the hero he always dreamt he could be.

Sent to foster with his father’s best friend, Ben enters an even more dangerous world: the royal court. Seduced by the promise of glory, Ben aligns himself with a group of cads known as the Third Sons, alienating his closest friends with his smug and obnoxious behavior. While he struggles to control the power building within him, his friends are left alone to deal with questions of loyalty, friendship, responsibility and isolation.

Ben realizes he has one last chance to make up for his mistakes: the Challenge Cup Tournament. There he will sacrifice the very prestige he craves to redeem himself in the eyes of those most important to him. But it may be too late. All they know and love may be coming to an end - because of Ben.

Winter’s Discord is a young adult fantasy and complete at 83,000 words. Thank you for your consideration and I look forward to hearing from you.


  1. I would consider adding a few more specifics to help engage the reader in this query. As an example, is there anything notable about Ben's magic or the glory he's after?

    I'm intrigued by the concept of the third sons, assuming they're jilted because they're not in line for anything.

    I'd also consider looking at the second to last paragraph, where the last two sentences are more generic. If you can better explain what's at stake (the problem) for Ben and his friends and how he thinks a series of trials will redeem him, it would go a long way in showing how compelling this novel might be.

  2. This sounds like a great story. I'm going to be honest and say it didn't catch me with the voice. Can the stakes be steeper at the end, maybe there is something that happens at the Tournament or explain how "all they know" is coming to an end.

    It's very well-written and I'd love to read it. Hoe this helps, if not disregard. Good luck.

  3. Ben sounds like a bit of a screw-up who wants to do something great, but isn't willing to do the hard work it takes to actually achieve greatness.

    If I'm reading the character right, I'd love to see more of that internal struggle. Right now it's not clear, it seems like he wants to do good but somehow it doesn't work out.

    Also, what is the Challenge Cup Tournament? How could entering it cause him to sacrifice his prestige?

  4. Jamie Weiss ChiltonMay 7, 2010 at 4:52 PM

    You might consider making Ben a bit older -- 16 or 17, to allow you to go deeper into some of these older themes.

    I see a few instances of telling here, where I sense an adult voice: "carousing and avoiding responsibility" "seduced by the promise of glory" "cads" "smug and obnoxious."

    I'd like to get more of a sense of Ben's voice and character.

    Nice work.


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