Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Entry 47

Genre: YA fantasy

Elizabeth is a sixteen year old above-grounder living in a world surrounded by water. She doesn’t have a last name; in the new world, it’s not good form. What she does have is a sharp instinct for survival, something that’s constantly put to the test. Lack of food and clean water along with a hell of a lot of disease make Elizabeth’s day to day life no picnic. And it doesn’t help that her people have to compete with the underwater peoples, known as the Hybrids, for just about everything. Especially since the Hybrids are starting to infiltrate the above-ground economy with their own currency.

When Elizabeth tries to rob a Hybrid of his money, she’s seized and brought underwater for punishment. But there are Hybrids who seek to protect her; there’s a peculiar disease targeting the underwater young and a component of Elizabeth’s DNA provides a cure. But not everyone’s happy with her being there. The corrupt politician Dacre, the fanatical Father Grey and the young Hybrid male Tyler all want to destroy Elizabeth for their own ends.

For Elizabeth to return to her own people, she’ll have to confront the prejudices of some and the political aspirations of others. It will be up to the friends she’s made down below to save her from certain death.

THE VISITOR is a young adult fantasy novel of 54,000 words. I would be happy to furnish additional materials upon request.


  1. This sounds like a video game my brother plays. That said, it sounds exciting - good luck with it!

  2. I think you might have a little too much detail in this query. I found myself tripping trying to keep up with all of the elements. I like the voice though, and it's an interesting concept.

  3. I think this is an interesting concept, but I tend to agree with Kara. A little too much detail. I've seen on several blogs a good way to break down a query is:

    1: Who is the MC?
    2: What do they want?
    3: What will happen if they don't get/achieve it?

    You have a great start with this, it just needs a little more work.

  4. The above commenters have touched on my only critical remarks, but I just wanted to say that I love the concept and the voice, and I'd definitely pick this up in a bookstore!

  5. Great concept, but it sounds more sci-fi than fantasy to me.

    Also, you need a more clearly defined hook that outlines the main stakes for your MC. Perhaps make the robbery/kidnapping the hook, then go into a little more world-building detail.

    Good luck!

  6. Thanks for the comments everyone! I'm gonna take the letter back to the drawing board for some work :)

  7. Jamie Weiss ChiltonMay 10, 2010 at 11:30 AM

    Nice opening. The detail about last names is a good example of a "showing" detail.

    I'd like to make a stronger connection with Elizabeth in this query -- I don't feel like I can relate to her. Perhaps you could work in more character development details.

    Nice work.


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