Dear Ms. Agent:
Get into other people’s heads with AMERAL, a young adult novel of 65,000 words that will take you into a world where the wizards are the bad guys and other people’s memories are yours for the taking. But just because you have the power, doesn’t mean you should use it...
Eighteen year-old Megan can tell what people are thinking before they’ve even thought it; she knows what they’ve done and she can remember things that they themselves have forgotten - or tried to forget. She thinks she’s just perceptive, but the wizard Zender knows she’s much more than that. He has kept Megan isolated and controlled in the castle Serenae since she was a little girl. Now, Megan has caught Zender in a lie and suddenly the castle isn’t safe for her anymore. She escapes only to discover that there are krith spiders out there - monstrous many-legged creatures that can kill you in one swipe - and they have been waiting for her. Now everyone is after her: Zender, krith, Trucenian soldiers, even the criminals of the Ferra underground. Megan trusts a Northern warrior, Darsk, to help her reach the Hall of Wizards where she thinks she will be safe. But Megan doesn’t know that she’s Ameral and the wizard’s sworn enemy. Suddenly the krith aren’t hunting her, they’re obeying her. She’s the only one with the power to end the wizard’s tyranny over the Trucenian people and the wizards aren’t going to let her leave alive.
Would you like to read a sample or the full manuscript?
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
Yours faithfully,
IDK if we're allowed to comment on the queries yet, but...well, I'm just gonna go for it. :)
ReplyDeleteMarice, I really like the sound of your book. It sounds really interesting. The only thing that distracted me was how descriptive your paragraph was. I haven't written a ton of queries, but I got a little confused between the names and the spiders and such. Would it maybe be more effective to shorten that paragraph to essentials and dangle those as bait to get the agent to read more? IDK how you'd do that, so it's not super helpful...but I tried. I really liked your opener though. I've always wanted to read minds. :)
Also...do you think you should ask the agent if he/she wants a sample? if they want one, won't they ask? I'm just curious. I'm new to the whole query letter journey to hell. :) Good luck!
I think this is a good query, but I wouldn't ask the agent if she wants to read a sample or the full manuscript. I would just thank her for her time and consideration and say that you look forward to hearing from her and that your full manuscript is available upon request.
ReplyDeleteMaybe add a little bit at the end about yourself. Not too much, just a little. Because I'm not published yet, except for a village magazine, I usually say what I do in life that gives me the knowledge for the story, but that's just me.
Good luck with it. I think you've done a good job.
Hi, I really like this. It sounds interesting, but it was a bit confusing may I suggest saying this instead.
ReplyDeleteGet into other people’s heads(I'm not sure I like this as your opening, it made me go "But I don't want to get into other people's heads) with AMERAL, a young adult novel of 65,000 words that will take you into a world where the wizards are the bad guys and other people’s memories are yours for the taking. But just because you have the power, doesn’t mean you should use it...
Eighteen year-old Megan can tell what people are thinking before they’ve even thought it; she knows what they’ve done and she can remember things that they themselves have forgotten - or tried to forget. She thinks she’s just perceptive, but the wizard Zender knows she’s much more than that and has kept her isolated and controlled in his castle since she was a little girl. But when Zender lies, she realizes she isn't safe and escapes.
Now everyone is after her: Zender, krith, Trucenian soldiers, even the criminals of the Ferra underground and the only person she can trust is a northern warrior named Darsk. But what Megan doesn’t know is that she’s Ameral--the wizard’s sworn enemy and the only one with the power to end the wizard’s tyranny over the Trucenian people--and the wizards aren’t going to let her leave alive.
GOOD LUCK!
Oh, and I forgot to say to leave the question of if they want to see more. IF they want to, they'll request it. Again, good luck!
ReplyDeleteYou've got a decent start, but it falls apart quickly. Too many fantasy concepts without context make for a confusing read. (The biggest being, what the spiders have to do with anything. They come out of nowhere, but you make it sound like they're a big deal.) The soldiers are also a big question mark. You aren't creating interest here, you're creating confusion.
ReplyDeleteDon't ask if they want to see more, tell them it's available. And DO NOT end with that closing. Stick with "sincerely" -- this is a business letter.