Friday, January 22, 2010


Title: The Immune
Genre: Sci fi

Opening paragraph: Black smoke cut across the western sky like an
ugly, jagged scar. The undersides of the patchy clouds were stained
pink and red and orange, but Avis couldn't tell what of the color was
from the setting sun and what was from the fire that raged through the
Mill River Conclave. The last of its residents had died early that
morning, and the sound of his gurgling, labored breath as she'd held
his cooling hand still echoed in her ears. He'd been glad to die. They
always were.


  1. Oooo... I really like this one. It leaves me wanting to know WHY they wanted to die. Bravo!

  2. I like this too. Great imagery, although "what of the color of the setting sun..." is a little awkward.

    the hook comes with, not that he'd been glad to die but. They always were.

    Leaves a big question mark. About why they were glad to die and also who SHE was... good job

  3. I loved how clearly your words brought a picture to mind. I was hooked with your last sentence as well. Why is he glad to die? Definitely sounds like the beginning of a page turner.

  4. Great job. I would divide the sentence that starts with "The last . . ." into two sentences. But on the whole, very well done.

  5. I'm actually confused here. Who is speaking? It seems an omniscient narrator in the beginning and then we move to a girl. But you've told us ALL the residents of this conclave are dead, so who is the girl? I would start with her. Invest me in the character first. You write description well.

    You know, I just read it in a different order. It drew me in a bit more. See what you think:
    "Fire raged through Mill River Conclave. The last of its residents had died early that morning. Avis had held his cooling hand as his gurgling, labored breath echoed in her ears. He was glad to die. They always were."

    I don't know. Play around with it.

  6. Excellent description!

    When you get to the "Mill River Conclave" it gets a bit confusing. I'd consider shortening this line, then giving us a little insight into the narrator.

    Would definitely keep reading.


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