BEING BOMPSY CARLEFFA - YA
Dear Mystery Agent,
After an unknown stranger kidnaps fifteen-year-old Ben, he learns he’s the stolen son of a wealthy crime boss and enters a new and terrifying world. Ben must deal with issues such as body parts peeking out of the lawn, threats to and from other mobsters, and his guilt over being used as a mob pawn when he causes the death of two innocent people.
Ultimately, Ben escapes his crime family but on his journey gains insights, which force him to confront the people he’s running from. He eventually meets up with his girlfriend and a nerdy cohort who had been playing detective while putting themselves in jeopardy to find him. But, Ben seeks what’s most important when he risks his skin by leaving his friends to return to the people he runs from. Will a reunion at his father’s mansion prove deadly?
My 67,000-word completed YA novel, BEING BOMPSY CARLEFFA, mixes humor as found in Korman’s, “Son of the Mob,” with the excitement of Haddix’s “Shadow Children” series. I teach writing and other subjects to intellectually gifted students, am active in SCBWI, and recently completed an online course through The Institute for Children’s Literature. Thank you for your time and attention in considering BEING BOMPSY CARLEFFA, which is a multiple submission. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
ENTRY 14
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The first paragraph of this really confused me. I wasn't sure if the "stolen son" referred to the kidnapping earlier in the sentence, being stolen from the crime boss (like as a baby and now being stolen back?), or being stolen as a baby to become a crime boss's son and this kidnapping brings that to light. But suddenly he's dealing with body parts in the yard and other things, and I don't know whether this is at his pre-kidnapping home or post-kidnapping home (and if it's that he's retrieved after the kidnapping and now sees the truth, we need that clarified or the kidnapping skipped). Basically the first sentence is missing a vital step and the use of "kidnaps" and "stolen" for what I *suspect* are two different events is really confusing
ReplyDeleteI agree with Sage that this was very confusing. The kidnapping comments are the culprit, I just can't get them straightened out in my head.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I don't know what classifies an unknown stranger from a known stranger. That threw me right at the beginning.
Perhaps this is just my own limitations, and others will give you better reviews.
Good luck!
With the fist sentence made a little clearer, you'll have a great query. The idea is good one.
ReplyDeleteGood luck.