Title: Nightwalker
Genre: Paranormal Romance
Blood trickled down her arms and legs, but she couldn't stop to nurse her wounds. Not now. She kept running, breaking through the bushes as they tore at her flesh, never slowing her pace. Thorns stabbed through her bare feet, and the pungent smell of sagebrush filled her lungs as she pushed herself to move even faster. Nature became her enemy, and fate herself turned away.
I love this. YOu can almost feel yourself being there. THis definately hooked me.
ReplyDeleteI really like this as well. especially nature became her enemy, and fate herself turned away.
ReplyDeleteI would keep reading more for the writing than for the hook... but I would still keep reading.
has lots of potential.
"...and fate herself turned away." Great line. Urgent, edgy and very visual. Nice opening.
ReplyDeleteVery gripping. My only change would be the thorns. I would have them stab her feet, but stabbing "through" seems to me that they would come all the way through, and running would be impossible. Love the "nature became her enemy" line. Good writing.
ReplyDeleteI'm not invested in this character yet so I'm not as worried for her or care as much about her fate as I could. The first sentence is great but could you then tell me, or better yet, show me something about her that will make me care about her?
ReplyDeleteThis is rather well-written and well-structured. I agree that thorns stabbing at her feet would be better than stabbing through.
ReplyDeleteMy only suggestion would be to try to condense the first few sentences into something a bit leaner. I would just like to get to the line about nature and fate faster, since that's what really hooks the reader.
Great scene setting, nice beginning. Parts of it could be tightened - the stabbing feet thing others have mentioned is a good example.
ReplyDeleteKeep it simple, too - instead of "nature became her enemy" try "nature was her enemy". Longer words aren't better.
Would keep reading, but might give up after a page or two.