Title: Lona - Living with Alzheimer's
Genre: True Story
I knew my mother was forgetting some things before my father died. It didn’t seem too bad to me. After my father died, I soon found out that she was forgetting more then I had been aware. Although they both lived with me before he died, after he died I was more closely involved in all of her day to day activities. I had to sit down and talk to her about the possibility of her having Alzheimer’s disease.
watch the echoes. Father died/he died at least 4 times in the first paragraph could be cleaned up.
ReplyDeleteI would rather be shown that she was forgetful or forgetting more things, than be told that she was. Maybe the story could be told AS the converstaion, where little things reveal themselves througout the story instead of being told up front.
Yes, show us her forgetting things. I have a loved one going through this right now, and I know how painful it can be. Good luck to you.
ReplyDeleteThis is all telling. If you show me, I will be more drawn in. Try to make it tighter by avoiding some repetition. This is a very emotional subject. Share that emotion. Keep working! You'll do great.
ReplyDeleteFor this kind of story, I would very strongly suggest starting with an anecdote. Show us about the time she forgot your name, or forgot that your father was dead. This as it is is very weak. There's nothing at all that hooks me. But if you start with an anecdote, you'll hook the readers, as well as create some rapport with others who have gone through or are going through what you did. They'll make an emotional connection with your mother right away, and that's very important.
ReplyDeleteThis is a bit redundant - I like the introduction, but it's too winding.
ReplyDeleteTry circling the repeated parts, then go from there.
Might keep reading, but would probably give up after a couple of pages.