THE CULT KING - YA
Dear Mystery Agent,
Aubrey wants to know exactly when her mother planned to tell her.
Aubrey is actually an Elf Heiress. There’s a magical world intertwined with the human world. Aubrey’s mom put the family in hiding to protect them from a power-hungry cult leader.
A lot of good that did. The cult leader’s minions found and captured Aubrey’s entire family. Now Aubrey is on a rescue mission with the only group that would help her, Elliott and his Harley-riding guardians. Elliott takes personal pleasure in making Aubrey feel like a child. But, she has bigger problems than Elliott, like trying to stay alive.
Aubrey battles the cult leader and his members to save her family. She hopes that her crash course in Elf magic is enough to get her family back alive.
THE CULT KING is complete at 73,000 words. I have a degree in English and History.
Although this looks like a great plot and you have a clear voice, I didn't care for your first sentence because it was vague. I would weave it into the Elf-Heiress line if possible. Best of luck.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Joyce. The first line doesn't have the punch an opening line needs to catch an agent's attention. I think the first two paragraphs could be streamlined into one sentence and combined into the third paragraph. Where your story seems to start is where the cult leader captures her family. Start your query there too. :)
ReplyDeleteI liked your earlier version better, but you just need to keep tweaking it. Right now the first part of it reads more like a laundry list of facts.
ReplyDeleteI still like the premise of this, and hope you get some good reviews. Best of luck with it.
I like the idea of the story, but the first sentence didn't explain things to me. Maybe add the first paragraph to the second one.
ReplyDeleteAlso you have three of the paragraphs all starting with her name. If you blended the first two paragraphs together it would solve that problem.
Good luck.