Friday, January 22, 2010


Title: Sparks Fly
Genre: Young Adult

‘Busy, busy little bees.’ Zeke mused to himself as he watched people by the dozens hurry in and out of the coffee shop. ‘They’re all so caught up in their own lives that they don’t see what’s right in front of them.’ He chuckled as he watched the creature behind the counter hand a loud mouthed debutante her latte. He knew all the woman saw was a shy, run of the mill, college kid with shaggy brown hair and retro glasses. If she’d taken more than a passing glance at him she might have actually seen the low level demon.


  1. VERY good. You set the scene with great descriptions and hoock me with the last line. Good job.

  2. First let me say, I do like this, but you confuse me. The person at the counter is a "loud mouthed debutante" yet all the "woman saw was a shy, run of the mill, college kid". Who is doing the seeing? The Barrista? The Debutante? Keep focused on the current activity. Please don't make me work so hard because this is an interesting concept.

  3. Okay, you do have an interesting idea here. But I'm not sure who Zeke is and who the creature is. Your readers won't want to have to reread to find out who's who. The description and language is good. I like the title.

  4. Not a fan at all of internal musing done like this. It seems kinda cliche, and an excuse to tell and not show.


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