Title: Secrets of the Gentleman Thief
Genre: Romance (Light)
March, 1855
As dark, silent and mysterious as the shadows that concealed him; he watched his quarry as he had for weeks now. Learning the faces and routines of the occupants of the house at twenty-two Mulberry Lane, aristocrats and staff alike down to the lowliest scullery maid, was essential to his success. And he was successful, always, never having been caught… unless he wished to be that is. He smiled to himself at that thought. Those who had ‘caught’ him entering their homes in the dead of night no doubt blushed profusely as they described the details of the encounter to their spouses, friends and the authorities.
I hope this comment doesn't come across as totally negative. There's some good stuff going on here, but you're burying it with the lengthy sentences. If you want to build tension, use shorter sentences and punchier verbs. I'm going to make some suggestions below. This is just my opinion so don't let it be discouraging...
ReplyDeleteAs dark, silent and mysterious as the shadows that concealed (change "that concealed" to "concealing" him (I would use a comma here instead of a semi colon); he watched (think of a stronger verb than "watched") his quarry (I would put a period here to shorten the sentence.) as he had for weeks now. (I would make the previous clause a full sentence, i.e., He had been watching for weeks.) (That gives you a shorter sentence and increases the tension.)(He had learned)the faces and routines of the occupants of the house at twenty-two (22) Mulberry Lane,(period) (From) aristocrats and staff alike down to the lowliest scullery maid,(period. (It) was essential to his success. And he was successful, always, never having been caught… unless he wished to be that is.(I would drop "that is") He smiled to himself at that thought. Those who had ‘caught’ him entering their homes in the dead of night no doubt blushed profusely as they described the details of the encounter to their spouses, friends and the authorities.
Keep in mind those are just my own thoughts. Take what you like and toss the rest. It's got a mysterious feel to it and I think it's good. I do think you can make it even better.
I agree with making the sentences shorter, but I loved it anyway. I would definitely read on. It's intriguing.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Michael. I would love to read something other than "dark, silent shadows". I mean when describing an elephant would you bother with the adjectives "large" and "grey"? Isn't that kind of a given? Surprise me, as much as your gentleman thief surprises his victims. Also, stay in the action. The first sentence is interesting and then you give us backstory, etc. that can come out later as the story progresses. He's hiding in the shadows. Stay there. What are his senses picking up? Show us instead of telling us.
ReplyDeleteAgreed with the above. The tone here to me is a little more mystery than light romance. You obviously can write, so I would just ditch the phrases like "that is" and "to himself." The title again, sounds more to me like a mystery than romance.
ReplyDelete