Title: Purpose
Genre: Urban Fantasy
I used to be a good girl. I never experimented with drugs and only drank an occasional glass of wine with Mom. I earned a scholarship and had normal dreams of career, love and family, even when I wasn’t, exactly, normal. I obeyed my mother, trusting she protected my best interests. If you didn’t look too closely – if you didn’t know the weird things – you’d call my life a big, fat yawn. But our lives were far from boring and I had no desire to add to the chaos. That was before I knew I was on someone’s hit list.
Omg! Urs is sooo good!! =)
ReplyDeleteWow! I love this and it has a great hook at the end of the paragraph. Great writing.
ReplyDeletei agree great writing and great hook. ?in a few simple words you described what her life was normally like and how it was about to change, also that she's trying to keep up a facade and that she's not quite normal.
ReplyDeletethis is right up my alley.
The hook got me. Nice beginning, I'd read more.
ReplyDeleteGreat opener. Maybe it's just me, but those commas after wasn't and exactly seemed a little strange. Maybe you could get that effect some other way? Liked the "big fat yawn." Lots to like here.
ReplyDeleteI think this could be half as long and would be twice as effective. There's a lot of telling here and you don't need it. I get it, she was normal. Normal's not interesting. How about just this part you wrote?
ReplyDelete"You could call my life a big fat yawn, but that was before I found out I was on someone's hit list."
That hooks me in.
I'm in complete agreement with jennbailey. Half as long, twice as strong. Also, your commas after wasn't and exactly are completely superfluous. Get rid of them.
ReplyDeletelove the change, can't wait to ready the rest!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you for the feedback. Karin "got" it because she's NOT normal but does put up a facade that she is, her life is NOT a yawn and she doesn't want to make it any more chaotic...until she's attacked over the next couple pages. By the end of the chapter, she decides to do things she would have never done before to figure out what's going on and who's trying to kill her.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I will work on making it tighter...and take out those commas. :-) I've re-written the beginning so many times and am glad to find I've found something very close to perfect.
Thank you all for your time and help.
I like this opening - I like the not normal parts. That said, I think it's a little cliched. I get what you're going for - some re-working would sort it out.
ReplyDeleteGreat start, though, and I'd definitely keep reading.
(Sorry this is late - I read and voted yesterday with my phone, but didn't have computer access to comment 'til today.)