Friday, January 22, 2010


Title: Eye Storm
Genre: Fantasy Western

“Mr. Rainwind!” a voice shouted from down the street moving quickly in
his direction. Picking himself up from the dusty street, he dashed
back into the swinging doors of the, Two Bear Claws, bar. A moment
later, he was flying backwards out the doors once again, landed flat
on his back with his wide rimmed cowboy hat sailing after him. Again,
he dashed back into the bar only to come out as before.


  1. watch your echoes : street and dusty street. And passive voice. Use he flew backward out the door, landed flat... etc.

    Also watch your grammar.

    I love the idea of a fantasy western and I was hooked by the fight. you also give the sense of something coming. Who is the guy coming down the street... why is he fighting, and you give us a glimpse into character. Dashed back into, backwards out the door again: we get the sense that this character doesn't give up easily. good job.

  2. Ditto what Karen said. I would cut "moving quickly in his direction." In the next sentence I would change one of the "hes" to the name of the MC. You have lots of action, just get rid of some of those commas and activate your verbs. You also echo "again." Sounds like a fun story idea. I love Westerns.

  3. Your narrator changes. Also, a voice doesn't move. A person does. Be careful of giving objects free will. We don't know if the ejected cowboy is Rainwind. Try starting with your character so we can be emotionally connected with the story. The scenario is intriguing.

  4. I am, yet again, in agreement with jennbailey.


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