Title: Mountain Star
Genre: Fiction
Sometimes when your “Everything” hurts, the only option you have is to change “Everything”. But when your past is part of your “Everything”, then you have to find a way to dull the pain. Some things, no matter how painful, are written in stone. Hard, cold stone towering over your emotions like an early tombstone.
I don't really like the first half, but the second half is great! Too many "everything" it doesn't seem to "connect" with emotion.
ReplyDeleteYeah I would definately watch the echoes...and I don;t feel there is enough hook to hook me.
ReplyDeletegreat way to convey emotion, but it wasn't enough,for me.
The "Everything" business is a little vague. But the last two sentences are nice. I like the "early tombstone" image.
ReplyDeleteI don't know anything yet. It's really quite vague. I know nothing about this narrator either. With the "everything" in quotes is the narrator being sarcastic? I'm just not invested with this beginning.
ReplyDeleteTo be perfectly honest, I'd put this down after the first sentence. Avoid unnecessarily capitalized words, and please, please, PLEASE don't just throw quotation marks in someplace for emphasis. It's the mark of the inexperienced, and it's annoying to read. If you want to emphasize the word everything, italicize it. If you can't italicize it, like sending it here, put it in caps. That's the next best thing.
ReplyDeleteTry something like this: "Sometimes, when everything hurts, the only option you have is to CHANGE everything. But some things, no matter how painful, are written in stone: hard, cold stone towering over your emotions like an early tombstone."
Love the last couple of lines. The first part reads too much like a self-help book.
ReplyDeleteI'd consider making that last line the first, then building from there. The rest is redundant.
Great hook. I'd keep reading.