Wednesday, January 27, 2010


The Circularity of All Things, a novel set in war-time, considers:

•The horrors of World War Two could happen again
•The struggle of two sisters to save their abandoned niece
•The price we pay when we remain silent, or choose to right a wrong
•That some love stories transcend even death

I have enclosed the first three chapters of the novel for your consideration. I have started revising my next novel, which you can see along with other samples of my works in progress, at my blog: […….]

My professional background includes investment banking, teaching overseas and commercial real estate. My passion is writing, and my wildest dream would be for you to be my agent, as corny as that sounds, I say it because I have the greatest admiration for your stature in this industry.

Thank you for taking the time to review my novel. I look forward to talking with you.



  1. Suzanne:

    From what I've read on writing queries, it's kind of like the opening line contest Michael just had. It's less of a list and more of a hook. I'm curious to know more about what you listed, definately, but it might flow a little bit better if it was in paragraph form. Also, the grammar doesn't quite flow right. What I usually do is read whatever I've written outloud. It helps me catch whatever I might not notice just by reading. or, I have my dyslexic sister read it. :) whatever she trips over, I have to fix. maybe not the most pc thing out there, but it works...

    My last point is that, from what I've read (mostly from nathan bransford's blog) your credentials should mainly include things pertinent to your novel. If you did research or are knowledgable on WWII, you could include that. Also, Nathan says to only include books or stories that have been published. I guess it makes you sound more professional. (Personally, my query feels very...naked just saying "this is my first novel." I want to add more so they have more faith in me, but less is apparently more.)

    Anyway, I hope this helps. :) This sounds like a really interesting novel. The query just needs a little tweaking to show that. :)

  2. Suzanne: I have to agree with anonymous. This needs some work. There are things you need to add, and things you need to delete.

    The opening is weak. You don't give the word count. You neglect to say what genre the novel is. Is it mainstream, literary, mystery? The agent definitely wants to know that.

    Next, the bulleted list isn't going to give you any points. We don't know who the main character is, what their goal is, what the stakes are if they try to achieve it and fail, etc. Remember the GASP! concept? That's what you need to include here. Take us into the character's personna a bit.

    The next two paragraphs should be deleted. The agent doesn't need to know that you're working on your second novel. And it's not good form to direct them to your website for additional reading material. Your professional background is irrelevant if it doesn't contain writing credentials. Delete it. Your admiration for the agent is also irrelevant and not appropriate in a query.

    The final paragraph should indicate what you are including, if they've asked for it, and a thank you for their consideration.

    Hope that isn't too harsh, and I hope it's helpful. It does sound like it could be very interesting. Good luck!

  3. I agree with the above comments and I don't have much to add unfortunately. Think of the query as if it were the back of the book blurb. Would you read a book, if it listed what was inside it? Or would you prefer a little eye-catching synopsis. It def. sounds intriguing though. Also, i've heard agents don't want to know anything about any other works and they don't want to be directed to a website. You can include the address in the signature bar, but I wouldn't say here check it out on my site.

    Otherwise. GOOD LUCK. I hope to be able to see the revised version of this.


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