Title: New Orleans
Genre: Fiction
A warm, gentle, steady rain had been falling over the city since midnight. Even with daylight, the skies were still gray and overcast, the rain had not tapered off, and it was now mid-morning. It was beginning to be one of those days best spend indulgent in carnal activities or epicurean desires at best, with third place being sleep.
The description in this is great and I can picture the scene in my mind but there is no character to relate them to.
ReplyDeleteInstead of "It was beginning..." you could intro the MC "[Character Name] felt it was one of those days..."
Cheers,
Jeff
Thank you Jeff, I appreciate the suggestion.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Jeff, I kept wanting to find out "who" was going to engage in one of those activities. You evoke a powerful feeling, though, and I could take a nap right now (which is a good thing!)
ReplyDeleteYes. All we have is a passage of time. Uninteresting. We go from night to dawn to mid-morning and nothing happens except the rain. Look back through other entries and see how many start with rain. There are a few. It isn't original. The 3rd sentence is where it gets interesting. I would start there, cutting out the "third place being sleep".
ReplyDeleteI like this and want to know more. I like the rain it gives me a sense of how this protag feels.
ReplyDeleteMichelle, and jennbailey, thank you for your comments. I have moved some words around and I am considering their new meaning or twist in the story.
ReplyDeleteThank you Maryea, I wanted it to set the mood for a dreary winter morning in New Orleans.
Avoid saying things are beginning. It's one of those words that agents and editors cringe at. I would also suggest some rearranging, as well as keeping track of your comma splices. The second sentence should end at the second comma, or at least should be broken up by a semicolon. Avoid cramming three adjectives together in a row.
ReplyDeleteI also agree with jennbailey. Start with that third sentence, like this: "It was one of those days best spend indulging in carnal activities or epicurean desires. A warm, steady rain had been falling over the city since midnight, and by midmorning, the skies were still dark and overcast."
Thank Carly, that is how I rearranged the paragraph earlier today. I liked the way it read also. Thanks to all.
ReplyDeleteShould be "best spent".
ReplyDeleteI like the idea - today is such a day for me - but it's not really a beginning. I'd rather read more about the narrator. Perhaps shift this to later in your introduction?
Might keep reading, but probably not.