Dear Agent:
All Marian wants is to ease the pain and suffering of others. There is one suffering, however, that she cannot relieve: an ethereal crying in the forest that only she can hear. When the villagers begins to cut down trees, the elemental fey burn Marian's village to protect their sacred forest. Watching her home burn, magic is unleashed with her anger--Marian takes control of the air and tries to suffocate the fey but is knocked out before she can kill them.
When the fey learn Marian may be the one to complete the ritual allowing their banished goddess to return, they welcome her into their home to teach her their history and their magic. Without their goddess, the fey are slowly losing their magic and their lives.
Marian resists her role as savior, until in an effort to learn more about her magic, she learns the entity crying in the forest is the Fey goddess herself, banished by humans who fear her power and will do anything to prevent Her return.
EMERGENCE OF THE FEY is a YA fantasy novel complete at 97,000 words. I am a moderator for Writing.com, an online writing community, where I also served as a Fantasy Newsletter editor for two years. I have a blog at http://marywjensen.blogspot.com.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
Well presented idea. Good query -- BUT check, check, and re-check the wording. Don't rely on spell check. There was a typo in the 1st paragraph that could sour a reader's opinion before they get to the good stuff.
ReplyDelete"villagers begins" should be villagers begin -- actually, you could delete everything before "cut" and it would read stronger.
"When the villagers cut down the trees..."
I'm certainly far from an expert on queries, but I think your first sentence is killing you. If you had one single sentence to hook an agent, would you use it?
ReplyDeleteAside from that, I think your story idea is a good one, but if the agent stops reading before he gets to the good parts, you're doomed before you start.
I would also like to know more of what happens between the jump of Marian being knocked out and the fey realizing she's their only hope.
Sorry if this is too blunt. The story concept sounds promising, and I think if you strengthen your hook, you may have a winner.
Make sure to personalize your query! I know that right here for the sake of crit, you couldn't, but just something to keep in mind when you do query.
ReplyDeleteI agree with josin. The first paragraph could definately be stronger. I was debating whether you could cut and paste the second paragraph into the first just after the ethereal crying part, but I starting to think that the burning and knocking out was important. :)
ReplyDeleteThe story is definately interesting, but there does need to be a little more refining. Just a few tweaks and a little stronger hook, and you should be good! :) Good luck!