Title: Taking the Lead
Genre: Young Adult
Sam Hendry was in her parents’ car, on the way to her new school, feeling terrified. Earlier that day, she had stood in front of her full-length mirror and studied her reflection. Her new uniform was navy blue and white. Sam actually thought it looked good on her, but as she brushed her hair and stared at herself peering through her glasses, she had a sense of foreboding. It was a day when she should be feeling really excited, and she had absolutely no idea why she felt so negative.
This puts a question in our minds, which is a good thing. She is filled with foreboding. Worse, she doesn't know why. Good hook.
ReplyDeleteThe only suggestion I have is to look at these two sentences. I think you can combine them and make them less disjointed:
Her new uniform was navy blue and white. Sam actually thought it looked good on her (For instance: Her new navy blue and white uniform didn't look so bad after all, she thought.) You can write it better than that, but that's just an example of showing and not telling.
This sounds interesting, but maybe add a little more showing instead of telling.
ReplyDeleteWhat was she doing in her parent's car? Sitting? Fastening her belt? Also you could add some thoughts to bring the reader into the character's head. Here are some suggestions:
As Sam Hendry’s climbed into the back seat of her parent’s car, her stomach churned. She hadn’t felt this terrified for a long time. She chewed her lower lip and gazed out the window as they rumbled along the road toward her new school. Earlier that day, she had stood in front of her full-length mirror and studied her reflection. Her new navy-blue and white uniform looked good on her, but as she’d brushed her hair, she had stared at herself, wondering if she would fit in. Her heart thumped with a sense of foreboding. She adjusted her glasses. She should be excited, not negative.
This is just a suggestion to show instead of telling. I know you’ll do it much better though.
A lot of YA is being crafted in first person. I wonder how this first paragraph would change it you tried it. It may draw us in more. So far I haven't read anything surprising or overly interesting. As an example, "Her new uniform was navy blue and white." But what else? Navy blue and white isn't interesting. Is it made up of slacks? Skirt? Jumper? Is she afraid her black bra shows through the white shirt? Is there a sweater made of scratchy acrylic? Hook me in somehow. I like your first sentence, but it does not reflect the rest of the paragraph. If you are "terrified" that is not just "feeling negative". You've told me she is terrified. Stay in the current action and show me.
ReplyDeleteGood description. A couple of thoughts: I moved a lot growing up, and never once felt "excited" about the opportunity. I hated it, and it sounds like Sam does, too. The "new kid" scenario also gets done a lot, so do you have something really unique that would help it sell? I like the title, and your writing is good. I think Jenn's idea of first person might help.
ReplyDeleteThank you all for the comments, I will take them on board when I open up my file again.
ReplyDelete