Title: Cold Black
Genre: Thriller
Aidan Snow sat on the examination table wearing only a pair of black boxer shorts. Dr Morgan, the Harley Street specialist assigned to MI6, poked his left leg with a gloved index finger. He wrinkled his nose as his large bright eyes focusing intently. “Hm. The incision seems to have healed nicely, the reduction in scar tissue is what we would have hoped for.” He then turned his attention to the right leg. “I’m not as happy with this one though, but then you did leave it rather a long time before coming to see me.”
Interesting opening, and a bit spooky. Makes me wonder what's going on here. I like that.
ReplyDeleteOne suggestion: I know what you meant, but the way it's written it could be construed that the doctor is poking his own left leg with the gloved hand. You obviously can write, so I think this part could be improved.
Loved the way it ended.
I love the title.
ReplyDeleteI would read on to see what happens next. It sounds interesting, but I agree with Michael. It seems like he's poking his own leg. Also it sounds like he's wrinkling his nose at his own eyes too. Maybe mention who's leg and eyes.
I felt the same way as Michael. Sure, it probably is Aidan Snow is having his leg poked, but that's not how it's written. Likewise with the sentence afterward. "He wrinkled his nose..." Who did? The Doctor or Aidan?
ReplyDeleteMy biggest issue, and I think you can handle it because you write well, is that I know more about Dr. Morgan than I do about Mr. Snow (other than his wounds). I want to know how Aidan reacts to the Dr., not the other way around. Try it:
"Dr. Morgan was poking at his left leg. Aidan noticed his frown. Doctors were never satisfied. Aidan thought the incision had healed rather nicely. He had no more stiffness or pain. It was the left leg that still concerned him. .."
Obviously this isn't my genre but I hope you see what I'm getting at. If Aidan Snow is our main character we need to stay in his view point.
Amen to the above comments. I was also confused by the "focusing" line, and not sure you need it at all. Creepy title.
ReplyDeleteAs the author of this I am bemused that you are all focussing on the doctor..but this shows me that I need to add one word so thanks. This is the second Aidan Snow thriller, the first is Hetman and widely available. COLD BLACK will be published in Feb. Alex Shaw
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