I avoided the daggers of moonlight stabbing through the forest canopy and angled stealthily closer to the source of the veil breach, more certain with every step that my stalker wasn’t human.
I like the dagger image, but would divide the sentence. I would also cut "stealthily,". Maybe,I "crept" which would imply stealth? Really great hook, though. I love the title.
Can you make it tighter? Shorter? Draw me in more. I love the last part of the sentence. You could even start with that: "My stalker wasn't human. I avoided the moonlight stabbing . . ." By saying you avoided the daggers, then making that moonlight, it just made me pause. Nice!
Please, please, PLEASE don't use words that end in -ly in your hook. It's like a descriptive cop-out. It's overused and it really means nothing. How does one move stealthily? Do they place their feet with purpose to avoid making too much noise? Do they control their breathing to be sure they don't give themselves away? Etc.
Also, how does one angle stealthily? That means nothing to the reader.
You could likely accomplish all of what you're saying in one sentence if you restructure it. For example: "With every careful step I took, skirting around the shafts of milky moonlight breaking through the forest canopy, I became more certain that my stalker wasn't human."
good hook! nice description and like the setting.
ReplyDeleteWould hope to see more emotion in the following paragraphs but I would love to read more.
I like the dagger image, but would divide the sentence. I would also cut "stealthily,". Maybe,I "crept" which would imply stealth? Really great hook, though. I love the title.
ReplyDeleteCan you make it tighter? Shorter? Draw me in more. I love the last part of the sentence. You could even start with that: "My stalker wasn't human. I avoided the moonlight stabbing . . ."
ReplyDeleteBy saying you avoided the daggers, then making that moonlight, it just made me pause.
Nice!
Please, please, PLEASE don't use words that end in -ly in your hook. It's like a descriptive cop-out. It's overused and it really means nothing. How does one move stealthily? Do they place their feet with purpose to avoid making too much noise? Do they control their breathing to be sure they don't give themselves away? Etc.
ReplyDeleteAlso, how does one angle stealthily? That means nothing to the reader.
You could likely accomplish all of what you're saying in one sentence if you restructure it. For example: "With every careful step I took, skirting around the shafts of milky moonlight breaking through the forest canopy, I became more certain that my stalker wasn't human."
I like the set-up, but the wording is awkward and confusing. Try reading the line aloud to get an idea of what I mean.
ReplyDeleteMight keep reading, but probably not.