Friday, January 22, 2010


Title: Devin McKenzie
Genre: Adult Murder/Mystery

A cold chill shot down Karen’s spine as warm air blew past her ear. The word next vibrated in her mind. She tried to catch her breath. Wanting to run. But where? Where was she?


  1. Good action, right off the bat. The urgency definitely comes through. The only thing I didn't quite understand was the second sentence.

  2. It definately caught my attention. The one thing that bohered me was the "Wanting to run." Would it flow better as "wanted", just to stay in the same tense?

  3. This felt awkward. "A cold chill" is a pretty common opening, too.

    I'd put it down.

  4. Not so keen on the cold chill, but I do like the warm air blowing past...
    I would put "next" in quotes. Ditto on "wanting." Definitely gripping.

  5. Ditto, Peta.

    You did get a good sense of urgency in here, but at the expense of the reader's understanding. I would suggest making it clearer what's going on here, and using shorter sentences to achieve that same sense of urgency.

  6. I liked this, but the second sentence threw me a bit the way it was written. I would read on though. It's got a good hook.

  7. I don't know enough to be worried for her and I don't understand the second sentence. It pulled me out of the action since I thought you may have misspelled "world" but then realized that didn't work either. I like the brevity of your sentences. Lends to the urgency of the action.

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