Title: Hole
Genre: Fiction, Magical Realism
The house was not ugly. Bottom-heavy and painted a curious shade of
brown, sure, but ugly? No. Had it been an ugly house, and had our God
been the disapproving sort, well. We would exchange knowing nods. But
our God is not particularly disapproving, he encourages our free
choices in domestic matters, and the house was just a house, no uglier
than the rest. Why it began sinking, why it continued sinking, and why
it stopped sinking, 12,262 meters into the earth, remains as obscure
as anything our God, gentle and we hope forgiving, but nevertheless,
mysterious, thinks and does.
I was hooked until it got to the sinking. That sentence is rather long and clunky. Too many commas. If you could find a way to clean it up, maybe by splitting it into several sentences, I'd be hooked for sure.
ReplyDeleteI like the way you write, but it needs a stronger hook.
ReplyDeleteI loved all of it and love the way you write. I'm hooked!
ReplyDeleteInteresting concept. I would maybe reconsider the end of the first sentence (sure) and tighten up the last, which is in my opinion a little long and hard to follow. Overall, good voice.
ReplyDeleteI meant the second sentence. The first is great.
ReplyDeleteGood Grief I like this A LOT! I love when descriptions tell you what isn't there. Very clever. Likewise the 12,262 meters. You grab our attention by making us read a more complicated number. Plus we trust the narrator more because the number is not rounded. Funny. Delightful. Very nice voice. I would absolutely keep reading!
ReplyDelete