Friday, January 22, 2010


Title: Retribution
Genre: Paranormal Fantasy

The devil crossed my path this morning. A green-eyed Harley-riding devil. That brief encounter outside in the parking lot was enough to spark a full blown obsession. Like a predisposed addiction, first hit and I was hooked.


  1. I like this. It has a good hook, but the last sentence confused me a little. I'm not sure what he's hooked on, so I would read on to find out.

  2. Great opening line. Not sure the punctuation should be a comma in the last sentence. Like the addiction analogy. I'd read more.

  3. I really really like this. :) Definately keep reading.

  4. I like this, but I'd skip the first sentence. The "green-eyed Harley-riding devil" is more interesting than "the devil crossed my path this morning". Perhaps blend the two?

    Instead of that, I'd say "our", or start with a description of the encounter. Get straight into the story!

    I'd keep reading.

  5. Ditto to just about everything else that's been said. Also, you might consider combining the last two sentences: "[Our] brief encounter outside in the parking lot was enough to spark a full blown obsession, like a predisposed addiction: first hit and I was hooked."

  6. I do like this. Do we have a real demon here? Or does the demon come later? The one part I found odd, and it could be you intended it, was this happened in the morning. Usually we meet devils in the darkness, especially Harley-riding ones. Regardless (and because of), I would keep reading.

  7. Really like this one. Can't say I found any fault and would love to read more.


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