Title: Immortal Mafia: Daddy’s Little Girl
Genre: Fantasy Action Adventure
If you would have asked me three weeks ago how I pictured my life ending it sure the hell wouldn’t have been like this. Did I picture the Hollywood ending where I go down in a blaze of glory, guns blazing and nearly every bullet shot at me misses so I can take out half of their forces? No. The Bollywood ending where everyone’s dancing and singing on a subway platform spinning around with the girl in my arms? No. A wooden stake to the heart? Sure why not, it seems like a good way for a vampire to go.
This is interesting and well written. I would change that really long sentence though. Maybe? It would be easier on the eye, if it was two sentences, especially in an opening paragraph. Some people have a problem with long, run-on sentences and it could put them off reading the book.
ReplyDeleteThat's just me though. I could be wrong.
I liked this because you didn't just stop at the Hollywood ending version. I thought it was great when you threw in the Bollywood version too, and then ended with the vampire version for good measure. Nice combination.
ReplyDeleteThe actual full paragraph is
ReplyDeleteToday....
If you would have asked me three weeks ago how I pictured my life ending it sure the hell wouldn't have been like this. Did I picture the Hollywood ending where I go down in a blaze of glory with guns blazing and nearly every bullet shot at me amazingly misses its mark so I can take out half of their forces? No. The Bollywood ending where everyone is dancing and singing on a subway platform spinning around with the girl in my arms as she kisses me in front of everyone? No. A wooden stake to the heart? Sure why not, it seems like a good way for a vampire to go.
100 words isn't enough to properly sell a book. A minimum of 200 is.
I like this, but I think the first line is awkward. Changing it to "If you'd asked me..." might help, but there's just something off.
ReplyDeleteThe Bollywood bit is nice, but it feels like you're referencing "Slumdog Millionaire" in particular, and that put me off. I'd consider making this less specific.
Would keep reading, but I'm not completely drawn in.
I agree completely with Peta. My suggestion for the first sentence is to put in a comma after "my life ending" so that it stands apart from "it sure as hell wouldn't have been like this." There should be a pause there or it just becomes a run-on.
ReplyDeleteOther than that, I like the progression, and I think it's a cool idea. Good job.
I like this, and love the three options. I think the first line would read better as "If you had..." but that's just my opinion.
ReplyDeleteGood scenarios, I might just shorten some of the sentences, but that's just me. I also liked the Bollywood reference, but it doesn't sound like your life is ending on that one.
ReplyDeleteIntriguing title.
Good voice, nice bits of humor. If you could shorten the Hollywood and Bollywood scenarios. Even make them multiple sentences. Read it aloud to yourself with the sassy voice it seems to have. I agree with Rebecca about the start. Perhaps even "If you'd have". I'd keep going.
ReplyDeleteLove the voice. Would love to read more. One of my favs.
ReplyDelete