Title: A Life Drawn Freehand
Genre: Literary fiction
She sat there with a cigarette between her lips, drawing hard like she was sucking the life from it. But it wasn’t working. Her face was grey, and her lips were grey, and her black hair was matte in the moonlight. She flipped me the pack, and I took one and lit up. We sat in silence, gulping smoke into our lungs, and I realised the glowing cherry buds of our cigarettes were the only living things on the boat.
I like this one - the only thing that's holding me back is this sentence:
ReplyDelete"Her face was grey, and her lips were grey, and her black hair was matte in the moonlight."
For all the other really great ways you describe things in this sentence ("gulping smoke"), I feel like this sentence just falls flat. A string of dull description. Maybe that's what you were going for with the whole mood, but it just stuck out to me.
Great hook, though I think this paragraph needs a little tightening. For example,
ReplyDelete"She sat there with a cigarette between her lips..."
I'd take out "there" and "with", leaving,
"She sat, a cigarette between her lips..."
I'd keep reading.
I stumbled over "cherry buds" as a way to describe the end of a cigarette, but I can get over it. The rest of this is fantastic. I love the dullness of the sentence about how gray and drab she is. I think it fits beautifully with the mood.
ReplyDeleteI like this. I like the title. You have painted a great scene and the last line is nice (in a sad sort of way.) I'd read on!
ReplyDeleteI liked all of this except the third sentence. A good hook at the end, though.
ReplyDeleteI love the title. to me this sentence needs tightening.
ReplyDeleteHer face was grey, and her lips were grey, and her black hair was matte in the moonlight.
I feel like it would be more effective to have a third grey at the end. The power of three...
I really enjoyed this and would definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteOh, yeah! Great images. Really super writing. Would definitely read more.
ReplyDelete