Title: Horace Grubble Can’t Stay out of Trouble
Genre: MG
Horace Grubble bolted across the green towards the dam. He plonked down on the grass and yanked his sneakers and socks off. As he looked up and down the golf course, he stuffed one of his football socks into his pocket and grabbed his snorkel. His heart beat quickened as he spat on his mask and rubbed it with his finger. “Great there’s no one here,” he said to his best friend, Charlie, who was running towards him. “Don’t forget to whistle if you see someone coming. I don’t wanna get caught.” He pulled his mask over his head and dived into the water.
I like the first line, but it gets a little awkward after that. The "don't wanna get caught" has me intrigued, though.
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading.
I agree with Peta. First sentence if nice, last two hook you, and I love the detail of him spitting on his mask to clean it. Otherwise, it does feel a little bit awkward. But it's definitely a good start.
ReplyDeleteI love the action and wondering what in the world this kid is up to. Tighten it up a bit maybe in the middle. I think my MG son would keep reading!
ReplyDeleteI like the flow to this and I think it suits MG writing very well. I'd read on to find out what he was going to do.
ReplyDeleteI love the title! This kid has me intrigued to find out what kind of trouble he's headed for - big, it seems.
ReplyDeleteOnly thing I can criticize - I would drop the "s" on the end of "toward". Maybe you aren't American, though, so it could be different from the norm.
I'd definitely read more of this.
Very nice! Horace's first sentence needs to read more like a kid, though. Perhaps: "Great. No one here." Otherwise, I like it and I'd for sure keep reading.
ReplyDelete