Title: Premonition
Genre: YA Paranormal Romance
I hated it when my brother was right. Unfortunately, Colin was right more often than not, which meant I heard I told you so, a lot. See, when I left the house the sun had been shining brightly, not a single cloud in the sky. But on April 16th it was raining. Pouring actually, and just as Colin had warned I was not prepared. Plus, I hadn't given myself enough time to do any prep work on the way. So, I would have to deal with being wet.
I like the idea and the voice here, but the wording is awkward.
ReplyDeleteI might keep reading - I'd like to see more about your MC and Colin, but I'd probably give up pretty quickly.
This is very confusing. I'm not entirely sure what's going on, other than Colin was right and the narrator is wet.
ReplyDeleteI like your opening line. Not sure about the comma after "I told you so." It is a bit confusing. You might delete the "See" and "Plus" as well. Clean it up a bit and I would read on.
ReplyDeleteI'm wondering why he's even bothered that he's wet. Maybe add a little more of a hook in the first paragraph.
ReplyDeleteI like the idea that the brother is always right though.
I really like the opening line. I would just suggest watching your grammar and punctuation. You could tighten it up that way and it would be a lot cleaner.
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence is good, but I've read it before. And it doesn't lead me to a dire enough circumstance for not listening to one's brother, other than getting wet. I have a problem with the date as well. Listen to it this way: "When I left the house the sun had been shining . . . but on April 16th it was raining." So what is today? Is it the sun shining day? Or is it April 16th? Or it is both? Do we need to know it is April 16th now? See what I mean. I'd like a stronger hook. Keep at it!
ReplyDeleteI agree with the others that it needs a little clarity, but love the opening line. I'd read on.
ReplyDelete