Title: Requiem Eternal
Genre: Adult Paranormal
My Lord, William Wykeham of Glastonshire,
The once rampant accounts of vampirism wane across your lands. However, a more insidious condition replaces them. Increasingly, among the peasants I notice a long lasting madness. Once afflicted, they are cared for by family having lost all sense of self and province to my Lord. Some are not as fortunate, falling victim to highwaymen. Furthermore, I am witness to how the disease spreads. A man approached
another. A red demon came from his eyes and touched the other man. Once touched he was left with nothing of a soul in his eyes.
I would definately keep reading this. I like the way the letter starts. We know what kind of story to expect. the only criticism I have is to watch the echoes. "came from his eyes/nothing of a soul in his eyes."
ReplyDeleteIts a small thing, just needs a little tightening.
I like the title. I got a bit lost in the paragraph and had to reread. You change tenses with the description of how the disease spreads. The language definitely evokes the time period, but I might vary sentence structure a little--you have "however," "increasingly," and "furthermore."
ReplyDeleteSounds like an intriguing story.
I like the fact that it's vampirism, but not in the cliche way that Twilight and other books has made it. The paragraph was a little confusing, though, and didn't really hook me right off the bat. the last sentence was really good though. :)
ReplyDeleteThe letter is an interesting opening and I think you've nailed the period voice. That said, period fantasy has been done for so long that I want to read something different, and soon. I'd keep reading in the hopes of finding a new take, but I'm not totally drawn in yet.
ReplyDeleteI like the letter-writing style of this beginning; however, the last three sentences do not sound like they are part of the letter.
ReplyDeleteI love a good vampire book, and this sounds like the start of one. I'd for sure read on. The writing is well done and draws me in.
ReplyDeleteI want to thank everyone for their input with their comments here. It is absolutely priceless. I had to change the excerpt at the last minute to fit in with the hundred word requirement. The actual excerpt of the letter is at 250 words and is more true to my writing. I tend to draw out the reader with a bit more detail while creating mystery. I didn't realize how wordy people in the 15th century were until trying to whittle it down. I am finding there is definitely a specific genre audience for my WIP. Which is also very good to know.
ReplyDelete