Title: Shaping Fate
Genre: Historical Fantasy
The rhythmic squeak of the death cart's wheels interrupted London's silent midnight. The smell of rotting meat accompanied the two men who pushed the rickety cart stacked high with corpses. Several bore the telltale black rings encircling swollen, red lumps on their necks and armpits; others oozed blood from the corners of their mouths.
Ooooh, this sounds gruesome. Love the writing and the use of all the senses.
ReplyDeleteJust one thing though. It's hard to know whose POV it starts in. Both men? Or just one? I would have to read on to find out. It may be someone else altogether.
You have certainly evoked a powerful image. The setting is absolutely immediate. Not sure I would read on, may be a tad gruesome for me. Very effective.
ReplyDeleteVery rich opening scene. I really like your style. I'd love to read more of this one.
ReplyDeleteI love the gruesome so I'd definately keep reading. Great descriptions-vivid imagery!
ReplyDeleteGreat hook. I love the image of the death cart, though I think "interrupted London's silent midnight" makes the sentence a little clunky. Consider breaking it in two?
ReplyDeleteThis is a nitpick, but I think starting the first two lines with "the" takes away from the image you're setting up. The last line is perfect insodar as anything about oozing corpses can be. I'd definitely keep reading.
I don't really think you need that second sentence. It's rather redundant. Maybe try something like, "The rhythmic squeak of the death cart's wheels interrupted London's silent midnight and filled it with the stench of rotting flesh. Several of the bodies stacked high in the cart bore the telltale black rings encircling ... " etc.
ReplyDeleteAlso, "telltale black rings" of what? The plague? Some other disease?
Very good so far. The first sentence definitely grabs you and holds onto you.
Really like this, gruesome or not. There is a plague in this city, and we are going to be drawn into history. I would probably change "The" in the second sentence to "A", to change up the rhythm, but that's just me.
ReplyDeleteThis makes you immediately aware of the time in history that the piece is set it. I can picture the scene in my head after one read. I do agree about possibly changing from "The" to "A" at the start of the second sentence. But it still reads well as it is.
ReplyDeleteYeah. This is good. You've instantly put us in time and place. You've captured all my senses, sound, sight, smell. With all of that, I swear I could taste the air. Nicely done and I would read more.
ReplyDeleteWell, you've certainly aced it in the gruesome category. Very vivid and nearly made me gag!
ReplyDeleteA couple of nits - and I may be totally wrong on one of them. I had to stop and go back after the third sentence. I at first thought the black rings were on the men pulling the cart of corpses. It just seemed too abrupt a change from the two men to the description of the corpses.
Second concern - I didn't think a body continued to ooze blood after death. Maybe I watch too much crime t.v.
I want to know more. The second sentence seems awkward to me, but I'm not sure how to change it. I am also wondering if the who the two men are and if one of them is the protag...
ReplyDeleteI'm a little late to the party, but thank you everybody for your helpful and constructive remarks!! They've reinforced what I like about the opening, but also what I have my doubts about. Thank you SO much!!
ReplyDelete