It was my birthday, and I would cry if I wanted to. After all, being forced to fly four thousand miles away from everyone and everything that was important to me was the perfect excuse.
I like the beginning. One suggestion. This would be a perfect opportunity to provide the narrator's age, and it would seem quite natural. For instance... It was my (14th?) birthday, and I would.. Just a suggestion.
Ooooh, I can relate to this one. That happened to me when I was nearly thirteen. Except I sailed away from everyone that was important to me. I cried too.
Like the others said though, I would add the age in the first sentence. I like it and I would read on.
For first person this sounds rather stilted. Read it aloud, or better yet, let someone else read it to you and listen for authenticity in the voice. The second sentence especially is rather long and convoluted. How would you verbally convey that information to someone? Maybe like: "Forced to fly thousands of miles from everyone and everything I cared for. Who wouldn't cry?"
I like the title. I'm thinking that teens today might not get the "cry if I wanted to" line. To me, it reveals the age of the writer, not the reader. Interesting premise.
I like the beginning. One suggestion. This would be a perfect opportunity to provide the narrator's age, and it would seem quite natural. For instance... It was my (14th?) birthday, and I would.. Just a suggestion.
ReplyDeleteI like the premise, but "it's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to" is a bit cliché. I might try something a bit more original but along the same lines like. It was my fourteen birthday and all I wanted to do was cry.
ReplyDeleteOoooh, I can relate to this one. That happened to me when I was nearly thirteen. Except I sailed away from everyone that was important to me. I cried too.
ReplyDeleteLike the others said though, I would add the age in the first sentence. I like it and I would read on.
For first person this sounds rather stilted. Read it aloud, or better yet, let someone else read it to you and listen for authenticity in the voice. The second sentence especially is rather long and convoluted. How would you verbally convey that information to someone? Maybe like: "Forced to fly thousands of miles from everyone and everything I cared for. Who wouldn't cry?"
ReplyDeleteI like the title. I'm thinking that teens today might not get the "cry if I wanted to" line. To me, it reveals the age of the writer, not the reader. Interesting premise.
ReplyDelete